Drops of loneliness

I got my first tattoo, an upside-down triangle one in sanguine when I tried to run away from my aunt on the trip to Cambodia. I was 17 years old at that time. It was my first trip abroad, such a quite exciting experience to me even Phnom Penh was just 6 hours by bus from Saigon where I came from. The triangle was fascinating to me. The solid shape. The leader. The hierarchy of needs is also presented by this gorgeous shape, however, the core point and the most essential part of human life is led by a tiny part on the top of the triangle: the mission or the passion. Then, an upside-down triangle would be the best form of eternal inspiration.

Peinture rouge pour un jour de neige
The geometric shape gets influenced by my lifestyle and my artwork then. Naturally just like breathing. I consider my body is just a flesh and a fresh canvas and I get more tattoos in geometric language day by day. I enjoy getting inked. The slight and very thin moment I feel terrified when the machine starts vibrating. Creepy sound like a saw. It reminded me of the scary day I had to meet the dentist when I was little. But on the polar side, I feel extremely satisfied! Just like sex. It hurts but it fulfills my desire. The wound exists to make the trace of a skinny piece of memory last on my skin forever. As a far far far away moment, far enough to get almost faded. Suddenly, it becomes fresh and vivid. Between the sheets, I embrace myself with the hurts.
Human warmth.
It’s been so long. I need a hug, need to be embraced. Love and being loved. Why it is this tough for me?
Funny. I turned 21 already in Vietnam. The time zone you know. Never expect to celebrate my birthday in Canada. Funny. I have to wake up early tomorrow to come to the church, the house of God, for the Sunday chapel. Ask Jesus to bless me. Funny, such an atheist like me. But who the heck I could rely on spiritually and emotionally for the very now? No family. No friend to have a real conversation. No love for sure. Only music and drawing can calm my soul. Solitude has many faces and this time, I felt lost and blue among the people.
Am I fuckin’ young to suffer from all those things? Too fuckin’ young!
What a day. What a day….

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